Patterns in White Noise.

Patterns appear throughout... Interpreting them is one thing, succumbing to them is another. Retards may think, that this is lame, but signs are all around us. Once a while even the staid like to fall and think like lunatics.
Here is one of me writing when almost feverish with delusionary thoughts which have a funny way of always spiraling out into the void of the nonsensical.

*Written on a scrap piece of paper about the medium of existence, and how it showed me illusions of my world, in peace. Silence can indeed be scary.

It is showing me visions of calm in between all the turmoil. But I am scared. Scared of the fact that the last time I gave in, I was definitely screwed. But then, a voice in me says that the overall outcome wasn’t that bad, you did learn a lot and in a way enjoyed it too.

I argue with the voice, saying that the last time, is a time that I don’t want to go through again. I am willing to experience something similar but in a different way, I say that I understand about the cycle and that one cannot experience happiness all his life, he should be willing to go through the rest of the set too, and I am. I am willing, but not again in the same sense. For someone willingly rooted in logic, I am behaving erratically, surprising even myself. Maybe... I wanted all that I didn’t get, when I was getting all that I wanted some time ago.

But all I do know is, for the future to be bright, and to be not answerable to anyone but the extremely loved ones and for that, I need to make a couple of hard choices, staying rooted in realism, to free up a major chunk of BPT. Maybe I need time to think, or not think, to make a decision to go with experience or with the prospect of learning new things, to stay inquisitive or to appear staid and uninterested.

Am I being expected to strike a balance again?

Or is there something wrong with my psyche?

Maybe the problem is inherent or maybe contrived... there a lot of answers unknown, and a feeling that maybe a mistake was committed... or maybe not...

One last question, before I cut myself off – “Who has all the answers?”