Patterns in White Noise.

Patterns appear throughout... Interpreting them is one thing, succumbing to them is another. Retards may think, that this is lame, but signs are all around us. Once a while even the staid like to fall and think like lunatics.
Here is one of me writing when almost feverish with delusionary thoughts which have a funny way of always spiraling out into the void of the nonsensical.

*Written on a scrap piece of paper about the medium of existence, and how it showed me illusions of my world, in peace. Silence can indeed be scary.

It is showing me visions of calm in between all the turmoil. But I am scared. Scared of the fact that the last time I gave in, I was definitely screwed. But then, a voice in me says that the overall outcome wasn’t that bad, you did learn a lot and in a way enjoyed it too.

I argue with the voice, saying that the last time, is a time that I don’t want to go through again. I am willing to experience something similar but in a different way, I say that I understand about the cycle and that one cannot experience happiness all his life, he should be willing to go through the rest of the set too, and I am. I am willing, but not again in the same sense. For someone willingly rooted in logic, I am behaving erratically, surprising even myself. Maybe... I wanted all that I didn’t get, when I was getting all that I wanted some time ago.

But all I do know is, for the future to be bright, and to be not answerable to anyone but the extremely loved ones and for that, I need to make a couple of hard choices, staying rooted in realism, to free up a major chunk of BPT. Maybe I need time to think, or not think, to make a decision to go with experience or with the prospect of learning new things, to stay inquisitive or to appear staid and uninterested.

Am I being expected to strike a balance again?

Or is there something wrong with my psyche?

Maybe the problem is inherent or maybe contrived... there a lot of answers unknown, and a feeling that maybe a mistake was committed... or maybe not...

One last question, before I cut myself off – “Who has all the answers?”

Another whispering melody, carrying along, a question...

Ironic ... isint it, to leave a decision to the universe? its kind of like, throwing away a chance... a chance that if u had chosen not to throw to the universe, u might have actually gotten/achieved through control. But now that you have thrown it away, u will never know, what the other outcome might have been.

What is the best thing to do in such a situation? Do what your heart tells you to. Why? because you did not follow what your mind told you till now, it makes no sense to follow it some more. Maybe i think i`l throw another decision for the universe to choose...

Is what i am doing, wise?

A Fallacy and how Chaos won against Order.

Thinking too much in my case involves too many hypothetical situations. And that is the biggest fallacy of the entire thing. Being what I am, the biggest situation where I failed was while analysing myself. I mean, thoughts and people evolve, hence people themselves are variables, even to themselves. So who am I to define myself as something? I am always to think my way to betterness. How could I have been so hard up and inflexible before?

(Thinking on the same lines leads one to conclude that the number of constants in this universe tends to zero, but that discussion is for another day.)

What I realised yesterday was that my theory of order and chaos, wherein one needs to effectively balance order and chaos to live a happy life, was proven wrong.

The theory goes as such – the world is chaotic and to fight back you need to have an ordered setup. By ordered setup I am referring to aims, goals, schedule (or something to do) and everything which involves not succumbing to the situation and allowing the world to spiral out of control. It also involves (theoretically) not having fun when faced with tasks, not allowing external variables to force one to lose productive time, etc. And chaos on other hand is not worrying about what to do and not to do. In short, ‘handling’ what the world throws at you. Chaos doesn’t seem to be bad in writing, but if one lives a chaotic life without knowing the consequences or how to handle the world/situation, the consequences would be depravity and misery. Trust me, have seen it happen and even could say, experienced it.

So coming back, the order chaos balance theory was proven wrong because yesterday I realised that patterns and in a way order exists even in chaos. It is very wonderfully hidden among layers of what one thinks is randomness, but randomness it is not. They are what one must do, in this world to enjoy the fruits of labour. Now, ask yourself, would you enjoy a success without realising and knowing all that you fought to achieve it?

Order, removes everything that you fight or need to fight in chaos. Reaching the success in order is easy (in its own way) but not actually enjoyable. Who knows what all you might lose, supporting order and removing variables? The stuff you may lose can be anything from memories, simple pleasures to new friends, love, people, places and situations you would have overlooked because you were too absorbed in order-ifying your life.

Now comes to mind the delicate matter of insurance against pain. Continuing on the same chain of thought, pain is again a chaotic phenomenon. It is good yet bad but can badly take away time and if not careful, everything else too. But yet, pain, is actually a rite of passage. You have to experience pain to enjoy what you will get. Because when you do get whatever it is, you will know it’s real worth, as you know what you went through when you didn’t have it or didn’t get it. So then, insurance against pain really doesn’t make sense, does it?

So then, chaos wins against order. I am fully into it now. Order be damned, I am fully into chaos now, with nothing but my principles to prop me up, and I fully trust them. They haven’t failed me till now, and will not too, in the future. Besides, careful observation shows you that those fully into order are usually self absorbed snobs who really don’t appreciate anything that becomes theirs. So even balancing order and chaos doesn’t make sense now does it?

Food for thought!
(Obviously for you, dear reader... I already have thought it out)


p.s- Learn from me how to make stuff boring ;) ... but then... transforming tumultuous emotions into simple words in English was never easy. I cant be blamed for not trying!!

Whence What You Read Is What You Observe, Within Self.

...
Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.

And he raised his head and looked upon his people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him.,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste his garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free your from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant.
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God`s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your hear, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life`s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love`s peace and love`s pleasure,
Then its better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love`s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not of all your tears.

Love gives us naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart", but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must need have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn and with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love`s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

...